Confronting Emotional Baggage: An Unveiling Journey
In one of my last blogs, Progress Report 2, I mentioned Dibs and I are sorting out some “emotional clutter,” stuff that we had put on the top shelf and under the bed. This wasn’t a metaphor; it is actually something that we have been dealing with. “My Truth” And what I am about to post in this blog, I think even Dibs, who has known me for over 40 years, has probably not heard prior to me writing it. This is personal and has been very difficult to address mainly because these are things that I have avoided dealing with and they have built up over the years.
(Disclaimer: This blog is the serious me and I am using it as an opportunity to showcase some old photos)
A Revelation Triggered by Insightful Discourse
I was privileged to be forwarded a recorded Zoom call from one of Dibs’s weekly WILDFIT meetings this week, in which the issue of self-sabotage was covered in depth by life coach Kerry Dell. And although the focus was more on eating habits and why people self-sabotage by eating the wrong foods, the concept resonated with me. this was probably one of the most meaningful, emotional zooms I think I have watched, during this zoom Kerry was able to help one of the members on the call confront and share her trauma – so inspiring and liberating. This got me thinking about my own self-sabotaging issues. And after having watched this video, I started asking myself some very personal questions. “The 7 Whys,” as Kerry put it.
Unveiling Layers of Self-Destruction
After asking myself 7 times Why and answering each time with a different answer, I have identified problem areas, some of these have been plaguing my mind for years, so by getting confirmation, I now need to deal with them issues. Much, if not all, what I have put in writing below I have not discussed with anyone or any professional prior to me writing it… in fact, it’s the first time I am seeing it… holding on!
The Interplay of Self-Worth and Life’s Trajectories
My self-destruction issues are very much related to self-worth and especially wealth and the ability to retain wealth. Throughout my life, I have got to a point where things are going well, and as soon as I think I’ve made it, things tend to slip and go backwards very, very quickly. Those who know Dibs and me will know that we have been in a state of near poverty on a number of occasions.
Navigating Life-Altering Events
During this time that I have spent delving into my life I have been able to identify three major events in my life prior to the age of 35, which I believe have contributed to this unsavory behavior and trait of mine. Please forgive me if I become long-winded, but this is more about me coming to terms with some issues, and hopefully your understanding and support will follow.
Life-Altering Moments: A Retrospective
My first major life-changing event during the final prize-giving ceremony of my schooling career. And although this should have been a positive event, it has had a lifelong negative affect on me. I was awarded what was known at the time as the “Fellowship Award”. This award was awarded to a person who had been voted by the entire school, pupils and staff included as being the most liked and friendliest person at the school during that year or something along those lines.
So how could this be negative, you may ask? Well, we need to go back to my earlier school days to know that I suffered from extreme dyslexia and ADHD, both of which at that stage were undiagnosed. And like many scholars with these challenges back in the day, I found it very difficult to achieve academically and often found myself visiting the headmaster’s office, and that wasn’t for gold stars. Typically playing up or overacting in class to distract from the real issues. It became a habit of mine to be friendly, kind, and a bit of a clown to as many people as I could. This in return made me feel better about myself and made life at school bearable. So on receiving the award, I felt like a fraud, for many years as I was not sure if it had all been an act or if it truly was my personality
Betrayal and Identity Crisis
The second major incident was about 3 years into my working career. I had been employed as a trainee production manager and was doing part-time evening studies to acquire my production management diploma. One of our assignments was to improve production and workflow in the workplace. I had used 2 departments within my company as my project. After having submitted and receiving a good pass mark for the assignment, my manager at the time asked if he could see it. It was around about the same time that I was called up to a military camp. Back in those days, we would attend either one or a three-month camp after we had completed our two years national service.
On return from a three-month camp, I found that the two departments in which my assignment had been done on had been altered and changed exactly as I had done on my assignment, and my manager had taken all the glory and was praised for it. I was never credited nor was it ever mentioned that what had been done was as a result of my assignment. Needless to say, my assignment had gone missing and remembering this was in the day before computers, so everything was done in handwriting and physical drawings. You can obviously imagine the devastation and lack of self-worth that I felt. Again, something that should have been positive left me thinking that I am a fraud, no one sees me.
Shattered Dreams and Physical Trauma
1999, the third and probably the most devastating of the three major life-changing events. This would be an accident, me falling off a ladder from the second floor of a building and smashing my ankle in five places. . No big deal most people would say most of us have broken a bone or two, however one has to understand that prior to this accident I had spent 10 years training as an athlete, a marathon runner, a triathlete, and an active offshore windsurfer. I took part in both ultra-distance triathlons and marathons. I had run 4 comrades marathons for those who are unaware of what the comrades marathon is, it’s an Ultra-marathon between the cities of Pietermaritzburg and Durban a distance of around 90 km, I partook in many ultra-distance triathlons which entailed a 42 km run, a 160 km cycle with either a 3.2 km swim or 20 km canoe paddle, in one such event missing silver medal by 1 second…yes 10 hours and 1 second.
I had paddled the Duzi canoe marathon and many other canoe events I had run a sub-three marathon. These were some of my achievements and I was proud of them, the future looked amazing as I was coming into my prime. And then in a split second, I was told I would never be able to run again, and would probably never walk without an aid. From Hero to Zero… I failed myself yet again in my mind. You see every year since then, twice a year I am reminded of what could have been when both the Duzi Canoe Marathon and the Comrades Marathons come around.
Struggles with Self-Doubt Amidst Past Achievements
I believed in myself and my abilities, I also knew I could do whatever I had set my mind to do, because I had done it before… I was the most liked at school, I knew how to run and manage a factory and most definitely had the mental and physical capacity to know how much pain the body can handle. Over the years, I started many businesses and careers all of which got off the ground and had the potential to do great things. Having had the third tragedy so young compounded my other two experiences, and I always, at some point, let self-doubt creep in and lost my self-worth and with that, the ability to continue to hang on to what should have been a good thing… and in most cases lost everything or came close to losing it all.
Navigating Professional Fulfillment Amidst Personal Turmoil
Over the past 15-20 years, I have known of this blockage, myself-destruct switch, that I had but wasn’t sure why or where it came from. . And because of this, in 2004, I settled for a job that I was good at and enjoyed. I practiced giving credit to staff on every occasion, many times to my own detriment. I was sure to ensure that I would not do what had happened to me—lesson learned. And because of this, I believe I was a well-liked and a fair manager. However, I wasn’t always happy, and I knew I was building someone else’s dreams and not my own. This someone else just so happened to be a good friend of mine, Nils, to whom I am eternally grateful for the 16 years that I worked for his company. It was during this time that I worked on personal growth, my self-worth, trying to rediscover who I was again
Rediscovery Through Service and Leadership
Both Dibs and I joined a local Rotary club. I ended up being President of the Rotary Club three times during my tenure. I served on the district committees and as Assistant Governor for three years. I spoke at conferences to audiences of 500 and sometimes more. I was liked, and people respected me and listened to my opinions and suggestions.
Acknowledgment and Redemption
I can only now say, after doing some serious inward introspection, that I have now put to rest the notion that I was not a fake and that I did in fact deserve the “fellowship award”. People actually do like me. And although I was never credited with any doing of what I am now calling my first revamp project, I have now designed, planned, managed, and executed well over a thousand such projects since my first assignment, some of them running well into the 7-figures bracket. I now know that if it wasn’t for me and my skills, these wouldn’t have been as successful as they were. However, as always, I have only taken a small portion of the credit, and the rest has been given to my staff.
Confronting the Shadow of Past Traumas
My biggest and hardest issue is dealing with my accident. As I felt that my life had been destroyed in that one moment. Over the years, I have worked and helped out many times at both the Duzi and Comrades Marathons, hoping that it would serve as a form of therapy. Being a part of such events does make one feel a sense of pride, but it never filled the hole that was created in my heart and mind. I still felt cheated, like I had let the team down. As I have been doing the work over the past few weeks, I only now realize what effect the accident had on my family. I was so selfish and focused on myself I never appreciated what I had around me, only what I had lost. I never saw what my depression and the financial burden that had been created were doing to them.
A Call for Healing and Understanding
As this is about finding the source, the root of my issues, my truth, I honestly had no idea how much the family and especially Dibs was affected. It turns out that part of her issues stems from this event as well, but that’s her story to tell. I am deeply regretful of my selfishness, and I acknowledge that I should have sought professional consultation at the time. Coming from that generation of “big boys don’t cry” would have been the root cause of that decision. Now I cry like a baby when I watch love stories, so seeking help might still be something that needs to be done.
Embracing Gratitude and Redemption
What happened to me was unfortunate; it was an accident. But my response and my actions thereafter could have and should have been one of gratitude. I could have had worse damage or even lost my life. I was given another chance, and instead, I have fought this internal turmoil for 24 years, pitied myself, and asked why did this happen to me 10,000 times? Whereas I should have been looking for my new “Purpose” and embracing that.
I deserve all the wealth I desire, and I have every right to keep it; it is God’s will and it is His blessing all I needed to do was accept that it is His way and not mine. So although I might not be 100% fixed, I believe, feel, and know with all of my being that I am not broken. I also believe that now having the maturity and realizing what is important in life makes a big difference. New perspective on the meaning of life. And whatever time I have left on the beautiful planet, I will pursue with passion, purpose, and persistence with a new plan, and if I find temporary defeat I will start again knowing “it’s not me, I am not the problem, it’s not me.”.
A Journey of Self-Discovery and Renewed Purpose
Thank you for allowing me to share my untold story with you. Having got to this point on my rediscovering journey, I can say a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, the work isn’t complete but I have a very good idea where to go from here. These where my demons, and I know there are many who’s demons are immeasurably worse than mine! I would recommend that if you have unresolved issues that you deal with them, speak to a professional and seek help, or do what I have done, journal about it. In my experience they don’t magically solve themselves. And Gents the “big boys don’t cry” era has long gone! You are no longer seen as weak if you talk about your issues, just the opposite is true.
Embracing Change and Growth
In December of last year, Dibs and I made the decision to embark on this life-changing journey which and we executed it in January 2024. I think we both thought it would only be a lifestyle change… and that of becoming digital nomads without the responsibilities of everyday life. I had no idea I would be facing demons head-on. I’m pleased that we’re are dealing with the “emotional clutter” , as I now realize that these obstacles have been inhibiting us from reaching our full potential.
Inviting Reflection and Dialogue
I would love to hear any thoughts or comments. And if you would like to reach out to myself or Dibs, please feel at ease to do so. The comment section below can remain private, just let me know if you don’t want your comments to be made public, and I shall honor your request.